She doesn't love me.

There is a little black spot on the sun today, it's the same old thing as it was yesterday sang Alanis many years ago in a show for MTV. From there it was Born Alanis Morisette MTV Unplugged.

But I’m not going to do a review of a cd today, I’m in a turmoil of revelations, emotions, well, everything. At first this year has been one of the most difficult to engage seriously. Around here nothing works. No timetables for nothing, I sleep by day and crawl by night. It is really difficult to maintain a constant and good pace. The fault is mine, I know, but everything around me is prone to bring me down, down and even more down. Don’t tell anybody but I’m really getting over it. I’m sad obviously but I am starting to realize that I am a man. No helps, no excuses.

I miss those good old times when I could ask my parents for help. Nowadays, they are still there, but not to help me in my options and every day, every hour I have to take one. And they are difficult.

Should I study or should I write? When I was ten they would advise me, now the option is mine, all mine and every action has a reaction, hasn’t it Newton?

Yesterday I had to take one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had, let´s just say that I’ve been in love for a girl for some time. A long time maybe for me. Well, I’m not shy and in the moment I knew I loved her I told her. No one has ever had the same attitude of indifference and detachment from human feelings like her. But I’m no quitter so I kept on trying, giving everything asking nothing in return. The summation of frustration kept growing and growing until reach rage and fury. Last night, during a conversation she just told me to shut up, she didn’t want to talk to me. Well it hurts you know? But, ok, one more for the summation, I had take so much until there, why not take some more in the face? It looked like I liked to be dumped and trashed in the corner of inexistence and oblivion.

But what made your summation tend to infinity? You may ask. Well I will tell you. I realized how sad it is to be silenced by someone who we just want to love. How sad it is to be expecting love of someone who don’t even know what love is. It angered me so much to the level of explosion. Well, in a harsh way I said to her to go to hell, in the end what I needed her for? Nothing. So many beautiful girls, so much beauty in the world, and there I was: sad and unhappy. What a difficult decision it was to ask her to tell me: “Diogo I don’t like you and I will never like”, but I asked, and with all her indifference she repeated my words without the slightest hesitation.

What a terrible person she is I realized. Sometimes in the past, even when I didn’t loved the person next to me I would be pleasant enough to help that people get up. Society is so insensible, so detached from the old values of love and friendship…I don’t believe in God in a traditional way, but today I will pray to find someone who has the same value as my love. Is it too much to ask? I don’t think so.

What hurts even more, is the feeling of loss. First I lost somebody I was in love to. Then I lost a friend. Then I knew the world lost something. I don’t know what but maybe love.

Today I found a friend, a good friend, we talked for a little bit, and he said his life was like a boat sinking because of all the works he has to do and tests. My life is a little boat too and I have just a bucket in my hand. I will have to work hard pumping out the water until reach a shore. Every hour I keep pumping it out I get closer and closer. And I get away from the corpse of that awful person who I know has sank a long, long time ago and now lies on the deepest of the deepest oceans, without love or light.

But my heart, my heart has a little black spot today and the sun, well it will always have another black spot when I look at it with her name written there.

Goodbye to her.

Hello beautiful dawn.